Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.