Hilarious if literal: arms race
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!