{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
and now we wait
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah