First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat