An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Natty or not?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.