[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip