me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.