All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.