Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Sounds like a bargain
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …