Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..