I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Yeah. This was me today.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I drew y’all a little something.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener