why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’