“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores