When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Camping tip: No.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band