I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“Huge”.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
your honor my client chooses dare
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.