Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
me: my friends:
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.