Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’ve been drinking.