5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY