I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water