Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real