just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
OH. COME. ON.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Follow me for more life hacks.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice