15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I