ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?