My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I can also cook 😂
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.