Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
You Might Also Like
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.