Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”