ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
You Might Also Like
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“What movie?” 🤔
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If you’re testing me, we failed.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.