[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?