Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me :
All Day At Night
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Genius idea!!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Whisper out to librarians!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!