Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.