weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan