*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You Might Also Like
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”