Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
You can’t outrun your problems…
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.