Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Found the job I’m suited for
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.