I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.