How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.