You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.