“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.