My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
How your email finds me
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: