[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
True?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Love this guy
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: