my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My dad teaching me to drive
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women