Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“and how does that make you feel?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.