How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.