*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Challenge accepted.