I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.