If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.