Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Flowers bee like
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff