Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.