Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Simple enough.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.