Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king